Jumping the Puddle

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Today, the universe sent me two signs that the Resolutions plan must go into effect soon. First, I tore myself away from the syrup bottle (miss you lots! xoxo) long enough to go outside and trick the spies into thinking I'm productive. I went to the newsstand to visit my friend Newsstand Man, who calls me "Me Lady of Personality." We are always so happy to be reunited, it's a little creepy. "Hi!!!!!!" Then, "Hellooooo me lady of personality!" I hand over the the money, we giggle, and I walk away. We never talk about the weather, because we are past that stage. So, newspaper in hand, I headed to the corner deli to refill the coffee IV bag.

The problem is that somehow the deli woman and I are caught in a horrible web of lies and it's tearing me apart. I've been going to this deli for about 3 years, so deli goddess Maria and I chit chat. About 2 years ago, Maria got the idea that I worked weekends, probably because my office is nearby and I was at the deli on a Saturday. I do not work weekends, thank Ellen.

That day of two years ago, Maria asked me "So did you just get out of work? Long day huh?" In a bout of confusion, rushed by the following customer in line, I may have said "Whew, yes, bye bye, take care!" And so, two years later, the web of half-lies has spiraled out of control. Now, when Maria asks me about work, I never confirm that I was not, in fact, at work that weekend day. I dodge the question, change the subject, or breathe a sigh of relief and wipe the pretend sweat off my forehead. I have no idea why I propagate the deceit. All I know is that Maria is so empathetic and supportive of my grueling weekend work schedule that I would feel horrible telling her that it was all one big misunderstanding. Today I toughened up and told Maria that I had not come from work. She was so happy for me that the guilt made me puke a little in my mouth. So I should probably add "never lie" to my Resolution list, because I don't like it none.

Anyway, the Resolution reminder came in the form of a peppy post-gym woman who was in line before me at Maria's House of Liars. She had the perfect body and ordered a chamomile tea with honey. Honey! That is so cool. And Gymsy is so perky and smiley. I swear it would have seemed completely normal if a little bluebird had landed gently on her shoulder. I thought, she's going to be so relaxed after that chamomile tea* but I am in no way going to be so relaxed after drinking this non-chamomile drink and non-working out. So I guess my first reminder from the Universe manifested itself in the form of primal jealousy.

The second Resolution reminder was much tinier. I had a short visit with my friend's son, Little Joe. Little Joe is so cute that I'm scared my eyes will pop out of their sockets when I'm with him. Today he was visiting professor for a course called "I teach you basketball see Joe slam dee ball 101." This course is not for the faint of muscles, because one has to endure a rigorous schedule of sitting by the mini hoop. In my usual teacher's pet mode, I suggested that the course might benefit from the addition of a sports announcer who would broadcast the Professor's moves. Professor graciously accepted when I volunteered to announce. "Little Joe steals the ball. He breathes. He's headed towards the hoop ladies and gentlemen. He stops. He breathes. AND HE DUNKS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. The crowd goes wild!" I have to admit that at times I'm not the best at reading body language, but I think the Professor enjoyed my announcing. He dropped the ball, his legs started shaking, his tiny hands shaking too, and he started laughing like a hyena on crack. Then it was time for a hug, which Little Joe requested by saying "I want to be with you." This made me very happy. Which got me thinking that I want to be healthy and have my shit together for when I decide to get a little gremlin of my own.

*with honey.


At 4/08/2006 6:54 PM, Blogger Oberon said...

.......oh please......never...never...say.....throw up a little in my mouth.....it's just too icky.

At 4/09/2006 12:52 AM, Blogger Reese said...

Hi there! Regarding the lie with the person at the deli - I've had those weird little situations before. If you knew the person better, you could easily clarify, but since you don't know then too well - it just goes on and on. And if you were to tell her now, it would just be weird.

Great reading your blog. Thank you!!

At 4/09/2006 6:45 PM, Blogger Gorgonzola said...

Awww oberon, that was so nice that I think I peed my pants a little.


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